so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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