They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
