Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Randomize
