I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
