he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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