allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
