"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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