I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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