My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
