I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
