People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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