you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
