Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
