well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
