She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
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