look no pants
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
