I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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