Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
