I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
