i already hear my dad disowning me
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
