If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
This baby is an asshole
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
