I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Randomize
