Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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