I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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