There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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