Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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