the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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