His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
