if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
