she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Holy sore nipples Batman
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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