here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
