Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
