I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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