and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
