Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
