So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
