Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
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