my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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