Whod you bang
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
