I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Randomize
