one two three fourrrrnication!
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
