The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
