I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
