I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
