i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
