Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
