she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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