I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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