btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
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