So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
