You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
